Theory of mind….
At around the age of 3 children begin to understand that they are a separate being from everyone else. They can start to see when things are fair or unfair, and they can understand other people’s feelings, recognising emotions in others more easily. This is a gradual process and all children learn and mature at different rates, so some children might show signs of being able to do this earlier, some might not be ready yet. This is all normal.
Children need to feel a sense of agency - their ability to affect things and change things, the ability for them to be important and relevant. Through this they develop their sense of self worth, confidence, and self image. For this reason it is important to make sure that you (and everyone who is close to your child) are consistent with rules and expectations, but also that you decide on a few battles that you are going to let them win! Although its important to keep them safe, be firm and in charge, some times you might decide you are going to let them win and wear their pyjamas to the supermarket, or have a sweetie before dinner. These little issues where, if they have their way, no great lasting negative impact will be felt, are a good way to allow them to feel this sense of agency and ability to change things.
Between the ages of 3 and 5, children start to develop an idea of themselves. If you asked a two year old to tell you about themselves, they would find that tough, but by the time they finish the Reception year, we would expect children to be able to say what they are good at, what they find tough, what their likes and dislikes are, and those of their friends too. They will also be able to appreciate that not everyone likes the same thing and that is ok. I remember my son, when he was about 4, asking his brother what his favourite colour was. Lenny said orange, and Bruce said ‘No you can’t have orange, that’s my favourite colour!’ As if there wasn’t enough orange to go round! Or that orange was part of his identity!
You might also find at around this time, that your child starts to lie. This can be upsetting and frustrating, but try to look at what this tells you about their development. For the first years of their life children see themselves in the middle of the universe with everyone and everything there to make their life better and more comfortable. They are hugely egocentric and cannot understand that someone else might not have the same point of view as they do. Lying is the start of your child realising that you may feel and think differently from them, but also, that you don’t know everything that they do - that you are not able to see or know about some of the things they do. The lying is to test this hypothesis. It does not mean that your child is bad or wicked - see it as evidence that they are very clever in testing other people’s point’s of view!
For this reason, it’s not always appropriate to be cross or to punish lying.
Instead of: ‘Lying is bad. Only naughty people lie. If you lie to me I will be very angry’
You could try: ‘I can see that you have told me something that isn’t true. I know it isn’t true because I can see that you ate the chocolate. Want to know how I can see? Shall we look in the mirror?’
Using humour when you catch them out is a really good way of taking the sting out of it. Children often get defensive and angry when they think they are not believed and sometimes calling them out just makes them dig their heels in harder. This can only go one way - to an argument.
If you can approach with kindness and acknowledgement, then you will remove the shame and embarassment. This makes it far easier for them to then admit their untruth and analyse why it is not a good thing to lie. ‘I can see that you don’t want me to know you put the cat in the tumble drier. I can’t let you do that because it will hurt Tiddles. Shall we go and check he’s ok?’
We all make mistakes - we need to make sure they don’t then make us ashamed, and we can feel comfortable in reflecting on them, correcting them and making sure we don’t make those mistakes again.
